Parenting Book Strikes Again

Parenting has been particularly difficult the past two weeks – my confidence as a Mom was the lowest I have experienced so far. So much so, I even struggled with whether or not to write this post.  I was feeling very ashamed and was not sure I wanted to share some of what I’ve been struggling with.  But I actually feel like I’ve come out the other side of this particular struggle, and am feeling much better about everything… and if this helps any other friends who might be new parents soon, it will have been worth it to share this story!

A couple weeks ago I posted a story about how I got a little too obsessive with following the advice from one of my parenting books, Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Child.  Well, it turns out the advice in that book was almost too effective for my own good.  I’ll explain: the tips I was following in the book led to Tess being able to sleep for 10+ hours at night. Sometimes Tess would wake up after 8 hours of sleep, but the book recommends that you try to keep baby asleep until 6am, so if she woke at 3am or something, I would give her a pacifier and she would go back to sleep.  I thought I was doing a good job, doing what was best for Tess.

Just over a week ago I noticed that when I would nurse Tess she would get very fussy.  After some research, I came to the conclusion that my milk supply had maybe gone down. I decided to call the “lactation hotline” at Northside Hospital, where I delivered.  I explained the situation to the lactation consultant, and she basically told me I was starving my baby. 

An infant Tess’ age – whether she is able to or not – should not go 10 hours without eating, apparently.  My sleep book never mentioned that – it focused solely on sleep and not feeding. Or I just missed those bits. And yes, I’m probably completely stupid for not knowing that anyway but I just figured that if she were hungry, she wouldn’t go back to sleep from a pacifier.  The lactation lady scoffed at me when I told her that, and I couldn’t have felt worse or more stupid.  She essentially informed me that it was all my fault for my milk production going down because I would go so long without nursing. I would put Tess to sleep and pump once before bed but clearly that was not nearly enough. While I didn’t dare mention this to the lactation lady who had already labeled me “BAD MOM,” I had also just started working out and watching what I eat more.  I had quickly lost weight for the 6 or 8 weeks after giving birth, but that came to a screeching halt and I still have about 15 pounds to lose.  Between that and some hormonal changes, my milk levels had taken a serious nose-dive - and fast.

The lactation consultant told me that it would take more than a month for my milk production to go back up and so I better get to work nursing Tess every 90 minutes during the day and would have to wake her up at least twice at night to feed her.  Even through my tears she offered me no moral support but only said that if I worked hard enough I would get back to where I needed to be.  No mention of “good job for breast feeding to begin with” or “this is tough work but its worth it” or “don’t be hard on yourself, you are trying your best.” Nothing.  I was clearly in a vulnerable state and kind of needed to be treated with kid gloves at that point, but she didn’t seem to care or notice.

I can not describe the feelings I experienced that day.  I was at the depths of despair, thinking my poor little baby had been suffering because of my actions. That I had deprived her of her most basic needs. Mommy guilt on steroids.  I was inconsolable.  On top of that, it was the middle of the day, and anyone I could have talked to about it was working. Fortunately, my friend Cindee – another breastfeeding mom – called me and talked me off the ledge.  She let me ball my eyes out to her and gave me the encouragement the lactation consultant should have done. She also offered some great advice for getting my milk supplies up, and not just "work harder."  Thank God for her.

I also made an appointment at the pediatrician the next morning for a weight check.  At Tess’ 2 month appointment her weight looked good, but it had been more than a month since that check.  They say babies should be gaining 0.5-1oz a day, and between her 2 month check and last week, she had been averaging exactly 0.5 oz gained per day.  So she was not under average, but was certainly at the lowest end of normal. The nurse at the pediatricians office gave me some extra encouragement, and made me feel a little better. At this point, I had already picked up my nursing, and she told me to just keep doing what I was doing and to come back for a weight check in another week.  

So the past week I have been force-feeding Tess like she’s a goose on a foie gras farm. The all-you-can-eat milk buffet is back open for business and Tess has been pigging out non-stop.  I feed her every 1.5-2 hours. Before bed I nurse her, give her 4oz of expressed milk and 2 oz of formula.  I pump every hour after that until I go to sleep and wake her to feed her again around midnight and 4am. She is up for the day around 6:30, when the constant nursing begins again.   The funny thing is, since I started this new routine she is starting to wake up on her own at these scheduled feeding times. Its like she’s thinking, “oh man, these midnight snacks are friggin’ awesome! I can’t believe I’ve been missing out all this time!”

My whiteboard record of feedings.  

I had already filled up the board, 

erased everything, and started again a few days ago.

OCD?

I also downloaded the weight percentile chart 

and plotted it myself against Tess' numbers.

I might need to see someone about this...

It has been exhausting to say the least.  It’s like being back in the early days when Tess was first born.  But it’s been so worth it – we went back to the doctor today and she’s gained 14-1/2 ounces in the past 7 days.  That is 4 times her previous rate of weight gain.  She’s porking out and I could NOT be happier about it.  I want a fat baby!!! She was a little too Gisele Bundchen before and I want more Melissa McCarthy. 

This has been a serious learning experience on so many levels. First, I bought my own baby scale because I’ve spent $50 on copays from 2 visits just to weigh her at the doctor’s office. A highly recommended purchase - only $48 on Amazon (Baby Scale), less than I spent on copays.  And, again I shouldn’t have been so consumed by following that book that, for better or worse, was very 1-dimensional.  I should have had the foresight to synthesize the tips on sleep with tips on feeding, but was too narrow-minded about it. I thought I had nailed down the feeding thing and moved on to the next “parenting initiative” before we were ready.  Yes, sleep and getting enough of it is super important – but so is gaining weight at this point.  Everyone tells me how lucky I am that Tess is such a good sleeper. As it turns out, either you have a baby who won’t sleep or you have a baby that you have to wake to feed. Either way, you’re not getting any sleep as a new parent.  And waking a sleeping baby is so counter intuitive, I would prefer she initiate all the late night feedings!  Like Cindee said to me that day on the phone, my job at this point is making sure Tess is well fed.  I am back to focusing on that pretty exclusively, and clearly its paying off at 2 oz a day.

I’m also really mad at the lactation consultant people at Northside.  I turned to them for help and encouragement at my most desperate hour and all they did was make me feel stupid and cruel.  They made me feel that I had already done irreparable damage to my child’s development.  This is why people give up breastfeeding.  Its hard work! And its scary not knowing how much volume your child is taking in each day. I could have so easily said “F this” and bought a tub of formula from Sam’s Club a week ago.  I would have known exactly how much she was eating (which would have appealed to my OCD tendencies), she would probably need to be fed less during the night, Andy could help with feedings, I would have been able to continue to diet and exercise and when lactation bitches stress me out I could take a few shots of tequila and forget about it! Instead, I’ve been completely drained of all energy since all I do is nurse and don’t sleep for more than 3 hours at a time. I still don’t know how much she’s eating so am just hoping with all the nursing she is taking in enough.  And I am too paranoid now to cut back on calories so am going to have to deal with the extra 15 pounds on my ass for a lot longer.  (Sorry, Andy).  And I've given up alcohol completely during a pretty damn stressful time in my life!  Luckily for Tess, I actually enjoy nursing her and see the value in it so I didn’t let the lactation consultant’s attitude deter me from my commitment to breastfeeding.  I am also lucky enough to have the world’s most supportive husband who tells me at least once everyday that I’m doing a great job and that he’s proud of me.  And has also taken over doing the laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc so I can focus my energy on nursing and making more milk. I certainly couldn’t have made it through the last week (or 3 months) without Andy.

All in all this was just another lesson in “Being a Momma is Tough Business.” But we got through it (barely) and I am now following my instincts far more.  I wasn’t able to trust myself and was just turning to the “experts” because I just felt so clueless as a new parent.  As another expectant mom I know said in her blog – her parenting “instincts” said to read and study!  I know just how she feels – I went to school for 25 years, I was used to turning to a book for the answer.  But it turns out that had I trusted myself I would have been feeding her more and holding her more, but the books I chose to read said to do things differently so I did. In the end, I came far closer than I should have to depriving her of things she needed even more than sleep: fat, calories and vitamins.  And snuggles.  

Finally, I want to say THANK YOU to my own mom for breastfeeding me!  I now know the sacrifice you made to do that (and for a whole year). I hope you feel it was worth it in the end. I’m sorry it took me 30 years to thank you for it, but if it’s any consolation, Tess probably won’t thank me for another 30 years either!